Running away from 2020

Just like my first post into lockdown in March, I feel like using the F word a lot, to express how I feel. I am holding back from it, it’s not cool, just as I am holiday back my tears when I realise my lack of control and helplessness, my failure to properly understand things and have the right answer when my 4 year old is asking me when is the virus going away.

Not for a while baby, I want to say, but instead I smile and tell her that soon this will all go away. They are lucky though, they just managed to finish a whole uninterrupted school term, which to be fair I didn’t think would happen.

What a shift in meaning ‘normal’ had this year - we don’t know what’s normal anymore, what’s the new normal and what next year’s normal will be. Someone told me this summer that we need to stop waiting for normal to return and learn to live our lives as if this is normal. At the time it sounded ridiculous and we could still deceive ourselves with the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s getting very clear that the end of the tunnel is nowhere close, so better get a head torch and plod along.

Like most people, when the end of the year is near, I usually like to review it, to reflect on achievements or failures, to make plans. And maybe to book next year’s holiday, I love finding the next exciting adventure and holding on to that until it’s actually happening. Now I refuse to even try and plan a holiday, because I don’t want to deal with another disappointment.

Yesterday I embarked on my longest run of this year and I used it as a great opportunity to reflect on 2020. And realised it’s all up to us how we perceive it - good, bad, tough, horrible, challenging. It will serve me no good to say it’s been a horrible year, and would also not be fair, because from some perspectives it’s actually been a fairly good one. But I think saying it’s been tough is most suitable - and what I like most is the sense of pride for pushing myself through everything this year and managing to get here all in one piece. I feel stronger, more determined, more confident, more grateful to have this positive mindset. Just like I pushed myself through a 21 km run, something I would have never in my wildest dreams imagine to be able to do. We are so much stronger than we think, we can do so much more than we imagine, if we just convince our mind about it.

For me it’s been a tough year from the very beginning, actually the first two months have been so horrible that in March at the beginning of lockdown I had already had so much s*#t from this year that nothing could scare me. Such a good lesson to take away from this! How getting through some hard time actually prepares you for whatever next. Another lesson to take away was to not fight on my own, to rely on others, trust that there’s someone who has my back. Anyway, not going into details, but I certainly toughened up after February and as it seems like timing couldn’t haven’t been better.

To be continued 😊

And here we are, welcoming the most wonderful time of the year. I love Christmas, maybe even more since having children, I share all their excitement and love to see their little faces light up when they find all the presents under the tree on Christmas morning.

This year will be the first Christmas we’re spending without close family. Ever since me and Dan got married, we hosted Christmas because we didn’t want to share our time between our parents. This year is the first ever Christmas I am not spending with my Mum, but I feel that’s ok, as long as she’s safe. We are lucky to be able to speak to our parents, virtually see them, and it’s probably best for them not to be too close to us and potentially exposed to the virus.

As I set the table with all the festive decorations, but only for us four, I am grateful our families are safe and healthy, and it's all that matters now. Even if they're far away, and we miss them, a video call will allow us to be together and it's currently the next best thing. But sadly I miss a lot of people who are no longer with us and I cannot call them. The first Christmas after I lost my Dad was brutal, actually that year was absolutely horrible, much more worse than 2020. I lost a dear friend due to cancer this year, without even being able to say goodbye. These are the true losses, when we know we will never be able to hug them again. This horrible virus will eventually pass, and we will see each other, hug each other and this year will be a distant memory. I am now aware that next year will not be much easier, and we need to prepare ourselves and find that strenght inside ourselves, to toughen up even more and deal with wahtever will be thrown at us.

Tonight on Christmas Eve I will keep in my mind and in my heart all those who I miss and are far away, but also all those who I can no longer a hug to, but who will forever live in my memories.

Happy Christmas and a healthy 2021 to all.