Be like a duck they say
After moving here to the UK, and after Ariana was well settled into the new nursery, I started a new job in IT. It was a complete turn of my career, from academia where I already knew the drills and was comfortably climbing up the professional ladder. So I felt totallyout of my depth, really nervous and soon I realised I had all the reasons to be. I was dealing with all sort of clients, each quite different (in attitude as well as in infrastructure) and every single issue that came up was new and something I've not dealt with before. And then the language barrier - not a massive one, but added up to the load.
So one day, a colleague said: be like a duck. I thought, WTF?! So he explained: a duck on the water looks very calm and serene, while under the water is peddling like hell. So when speaking to clients or being on the phone to them, seem like everything's under control and you know exactly what to do, while actually you will do your best to sort out their issue. Do look confident and worry later about what you need to do.
This came to mind as I was thinking how I speak to my children about the pandemic and how I check they are ok about all this. I am keeping calm, working my ass out to make their life fun, hopefully seem in control, while actually underneath all that calm many times it's all been a struggle. We keep saying we're fine, we keep replying to our friends saying that we're actually enjoying this, but are we really? I must admit, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, of which I rarely showed any. I've managed to be a duck, held (mostly) everything under control, but sometimes it's so damn hard.
As time goes by, I came to understand this will go on for a while, for a few more months, and am trying to convince myself that it's ok. I know it will be, but it's not easy. Everyone struggles in their own way, with their own issues. I find the constant feeling of 'not good enough' being the worst. There is so much to juggle - children, work, home schooling, housekeeping, feeding the family, gardening, exercise, that it's so easy to feel like failing a few of these every day. The house is far from being as clean and tidy as I'd like it to be, my productivity at work has loads of downs and some ups, home learning is 3 days a week something that gets squeezed into my work breaks and so on. So yes, nothing gets enough attention and is properly done. But then, maybe this will become the new 'good enough'. Superficial life, not getting anything thoroughly done. Or maybe it is actually good enough, but we're too hard on ourselves.
I am actually starting to accept more of the reality of things, and stop trying to push myself. Instead, focusing on being more open minded and convincing myself that I am enough.
After 11 (or 12? who's counting) weeks of staying home and social distancing, my mind is completely twisted on that distancing. If I am out running and see someone coming from the oposite way, I'm planning in advance which way of the road to go. I try to avoid narrow paths, or running too much on routes where I need to open gates, just makes me nervous. The funny bit is I found myself watching a film and thinking the characters are not social distancing. Crazy! It will be very hard to revert to normal, get close to people without worrying.
For so long we took things for granted and never really gave a thought how it would be to have them taken away. I refuse to even think about holidays now. I know we'll be able to plan again, but until then, I don't want to get false hopes. I would like to see friends more, but I am also concerned to let the guard down too soon. And in the middle of all this, I see people not giving a damn about social distancing, gathering and living life as normal and it really confuses me.
Anyway, as this clearly is not the highlight of my writings, I will take the opportunity to express how surprising and shocking I found the whole 'black lives matter' campain? I suddenly woke up to it and wondered, again, if this really is fucking 2020? Has the humanity gone mad? Have we not been through all this? Are we actually talking about racism in 2020? Insane! Not dwelling more on this, my mind just refuses to understand this.
So one day, a colleague said: be like a duck. I thought, WTF?! So he explained: a duck on the water looks very calm and serene, while under the water is peddling like hell. So when speaking to clients or being on the phone to them, seem like everything's under control and you know exactly what to do, while actually you will do your best to sort out their issue. Do look confident and worry later about what you need to do.
This came to mind as I was thinking how I speak to my children about the pandemic and how I check they are ok about all this. I am keeping calm, working my ass out to make their life fun, hopefully seem in control, while actually underneath all that calm many times it's all been a struggle. We keep saying we're fine, we keep replying to our friends saying that we're actually enjoying this, but are we really? I must admit, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, of which I rarely showed any. I've managed to be a duck, held (mostly) everything under control, but sometimes it's so damn hard.
As time goes by, I came to understand this will go on for a while, for a few more months, and am trying to convince myself that it's ok. I know it will be, but it's not easy. Everyone struggles in their own way, with their own issues. I find the constant feeling of 'not good enough' being the worst. There is so much to juggle - children, work, home schooling, housekeeping, feeding the family, gardening, exercise, that it's so easy to feel like failing a few of these every day. The house is far from being as clean and tidy as I'd like it to be, my productivity at work has loads of downs and some ups, home learning is 3 days a week something that gets squeezed into my work breaks and so on. So yes, nothing gets enough attention and is properly done. But then, maybe this will become the new 'good enough'. Superficial life, not getting anything thoroughly done. Or maybe it is actually good enough, but we're too hard on ourselves.
I am actually starting to accept more of the reality of things, and stop trying to push myself. Instead, focusing on being more open minded and convincing myself that I am enough.
After 11 (or 12? who's counting) weeks of staying home and social distancing, my mind is completely twisted on that distancing. If I am out running and see someone coming from the oposite way, I'm planning in advance which way of the road to go. I try to avoid narrow paths, or running too much on routes where I need to open gates, just makes me nervous. The funny bit is I found myself watching a film and thinking the characters are not social distancing. Crazy! It will be very hard to revert to normal, get close to people without worrying.
For so long we took things for granted and never really gave a thought how it would be to have them taken away. I refuse to even think about holidays now. I know we'll be able to plan again, but until then, I don't want to get false hopes. I would like to see friends more, but I am also concerned to let the guard down too soon. And in the middle of all this, I see people not giving a damn about social distancing, gathering and living life as normal and it really confuses me.
Anyway, as this clearly is not the highlight of my writings, I will take the opportunity to express how surprising and shocking I found the whole 'black lives matter' campain? I suddenly woke up to it and wondered, again, if this really is fucking 2020? Has the humanity gone mad? Have we not been through all this? Are we actually talking about racism in 2020? Insane! Not dwelling more on this, my mind just refuses to understand this.
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